Friday, September 21, 2012

It's been a while

 It's been a while since I've sat down to write anything.

 Hell, it's been a while since I've even thought about sitting down to write anything.

 So here I am tonight.

 I've been busy with the house, busy with wrangling all my children. I'm finding it far harder to unpack a house while simultaneously trying to keep up with the chaos that three children cause in day to day life.

 That, and the rainforest i'm trying to tame in the back yard. I knew I should have gotten it in writing when they said they were bringing in a landscaper.

 All in all, though, it's going well. The house feels more like a home every day. The kids each have their own spots, and they are loving it. They are super excited about Tina and her kids moving out too. Logan is so excited about the thought of having a brother. He decided that Michael could be his real brother. He didn't have to just be a step brother.

 I didn't feel that I needed to explain it to him.

 That brings me back to the blessing I never expected after everything that happened in my life.

 After everything that happened with Robin, I figured I just simply did not have it in me to love again. Once you love fiercely and passionately, and lose that love, you find yourself afraid. Unsure. Unwilling.

 I expected that I would be broken forever.

 God knows when we are at the spot when we are most ready for things to move forward. He knows when we need a little nudge sometimes. He puts people in our path and lets us go to see what we will do with it.

 Like so many things, it's up to us what we chose to do. I had this nagging feeling that if I ran, I'd regret it forever. As I often do, I was worried what people would think. I was worried that people would judge me for moving on. I was worried that there would be murmurs of it being to soon.

 In my paranoid way, I was worried there would be questions about how much I loved Robin, if I could move on.

 I also learned that grieving never really stops. You carry it with you every day, even after you move on. I hope that's a lesson no one else needs to learn.

 But here I am. I'm learning, every day that it's ok to be happy again. I learn anew every day that my heart is far more capable than I thought it was. I learned that with three kids of my own, there is still room to love more.

 I learned that some people get to have more than one soulmate. That took a while to process.

 But here I am, more in love than I thought I was able to be. The kids are excited, her kids are excited. Life happens while we all sit by and make plans.

 I never expected any of this.

 I'm glad I'm not the one writing my story. I'm not nearly creative enough.

1 comment:

  1. wow dude. That is beautiful. I must admit, I got a little choked up reading it. It's amazing what is possible when we let God write our story. He is still creating and never stops loving us. To say "I'm happy for you" doesn't clearly express the joy I feel for you and your family.