Saturday, January 21, 2012


 Today went about like I expected it would go. Robin would have been 31 today. I woke up readying myself for it, but it didn't take long for it all to settle in. Taking the kids out to play in the snow was a good diversion.

 I'm also lucky that I have a lot of friends helping me through all of this. It's still gonna take some time.

 It came to a head tonight when we sang happy birthday to Robin before we had cupcakes, which she always loved. I got the baby set with hers, and I went to have my breakdown. After that, I got out some pictures and looked through them, and I spent some time in meditation, getting back my kumai.

 Looking at her pictures and remembering life from them almost makes it like she isn't gone. It only hurts when you have to come back.

 So I'll just keep moving forward, one day at a time.

I miss her.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The business of swords, thinking and birthdays

 Class tonight was great. A shot to the pride, as always, but great nonetheless.

 I find that when I'm not doing something as well as I want, it's because I'm trying. There is wisdom in what master Yoda said, when he said: "Do, or do not. There is no try." When I "try", I find myself forcing things. Using muscle, powering through and increasing tension. When I stop trying, i usually succeed.

 When we focus on the goal, be it the way something should turn out, a target, a lock, we often fall short. We try to force it. We try to push into the hole, instead of guiding to the one that's there.

 But how to let it happen? I haven't figured that out yet. Occasionally, yes. Consistently, not even close.

 "Too many mind."

 In other news, my mind is on Robin a lot lately, so my studies (and video games and everything) are providing a welcome distraction.

 Her Birthday is Saturday.

 I'm not sure how I am going to do with that. I have a feeling this will be one of those days that is worse than the others. I'm going to try to celebrate life, and remember her well, more so than focusing on her not being here for it. A day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

The secret is walking.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


 So yesterday was my 5 year mark at the prison. Hard to believe. It didn't feel nearly that long to me.

January 7th, 2007. I had just quit at the powder coating factory, which I wasn't going to miss. I had been out of the Marines for about 6 months. I had been out of the contracting gig for less than 4.

 We'd fully moved back up to Pennsylvania, and were trying to figure our lives out. We still had only Meghan, but had just found out Logan was on his way. The economy was starting to crash. I took a job working at a Federal Prison. Not really where I thought life would bring us. I'm glad it did.

 All in all, life was unfolding before us. We were still young, in love and invincible. It's amazing how all that can change in a few years. Not that love ever changed, but now I'm a widower with three awesome kids, pretending I know what I'm doing. I think it's all metsubushi. All misdirection.

 The idea of being young and invincible came up the other day when I was talking to one of my friends from the Corps. We were reminiscing about being those days. We were young, full of piss and vinegar, and the world was ours.

 Now it's almost 13 years later. We've loved, lost and felt pain. Some of us have felt love, some have felt grief. Some of us have passed on. We are all older.

 Invincible? So far, but I'm not gonna push it.

 I for one have to stay around for my kids. With Robin gone, they need me. That does light a certain fire in me when it comes to my job. I think that's part of the reason the Shinobi Wind called me this year. I needed it.

 It makes me wonder where I'll be 5 years from now. A lot can happen.

 I miss you honey.
 I shoulda had a party, but I don't have the heart anymore.