It seems like it would go without saying, but my life has turned out in ways I never expected.
The set of plans and goals I once lived by is gone. Replaced by something more organic and flowing. Adapting to life around me as it happens. Not holding on to a set of dreams, defining myself by where I want to see myself in a few years.
Not waiting for things. Trying not to be afraid.
I learned the hard lesson that we can't wait until something is perfect and all our doubts are gone to act on it. If you do that, sometimes you find yourself waiting, and when you are finally, life has already intervened, and the chance has passed, never to be reclaimed.
That happened a lot with Robin and I. We put things off at the advice of others, waiting until it was more financially viable, waiting until we found the perfect house/car/etc. Waiting till we had a chance to have our honeymoon.
We waited to long. The chance was taken from us.
When I spent those nights trying to figure my life out again, trying to figure out who I was, and trying to figure out my future again, I decided to make a real effort to act more.
You can think about doing something forever. I can think about running, but it won't make me stronger. I can think about eating, but it won't help my hunger. I can think about living, but as the years grind on, will I look back satisfied at only thinking, waiting until things are perfect?
That's why I was so confused when the woman who is my list re-entered my life. We'd been friends for years, but had never known. I thought everything was perfect but the timing. It turns out the timing was perfect too, as I was headed to a very dark place. She found me.
I spent a while thinking about that before we made any choices. Makes you wonder what would occour if we'd just kept waiting, and not acting.
I've been thinking a lot, since I'm on the verge of buying a house now, moving the kids and I into the next step in our life. I never expected to have to make these choices on my own. But they have to be made.
So I'm making those choices. Making those hard calls. The truth is, it scares me. I've always carried a lot of self doubt, and when my kids are involved, it makes it worse, as they aren't something I'm willing to risk.
That's the thing about life, though, we have to go live it.