Thursday, March 22, 2012

Bleeding some.


 I have the tattoo in Robin's memory set to be started on Wednesday, the 28th. I've put a lot more thought into this one, and fretted over it more than any of my others. It's also the first one I haven't drawn any part of myself. I didn't trust my abilities enough to render what I wanted. So I thank my friend Jon for the beautiful piece of work he did. I will proudly wear it.

 This piece means a lot to me. I always make it a point to get nothing on myself that represented a person, other than my children, as they can never leave me. Robin was taken, and she will always be a part of our lives, and this is how I chose to memorialize her. All my tattoos have a story, a meaning.

 This one will hurt the most though.

 It will also be a memorial service, of sorts, for me. It's no lie that my faith has been shaken in all of this. It is still there in some form, but this is how I chose to do her memorial, my personal one. In my own melodramatic way, it makes the most sense.

 It will always be a reminder to me of everything. What we had together. The fact that she's still watching us. All the growing we did together. The mistakes we made. The fact that I'm the man I am today because of her.

 The tremendous injustice in the world. I am who I am because of her. Because of my mistakes. Because of the way we grew. The pain, the love. The agony of the end.

 It will also be a constant reminder of who I am now. Of why I do things the way I do now. Of why I'll never repeat the mistakes of my past. This will be a constant reminder in this next chapter in my life, of things that I will follow through on; of things that I will make damn sure never go unsaid. Of my desire to never get comfortable or complacent with where I am, or who I'm with.

 It will be a permanent reminder to live, even if I don't want to. It will be a reminder of strength and grace.

 So this one will hurt the most. The physical pain is not an issue. The blood dries, and the healing begins, like in everything else. The pain fades over time. Some scars are just far prettier than others.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Putting Pen to Paper and Starting New Chapters

 So it's been a while since I've written anything. I took a little hiatus, or burned out for a bit, whatever you want to call it. The turning of the year was rougher on me than I expected, and it took a little while to sort a lot of things. Moving past her birthday was a big one. Now it is mid-way through March, and I've been feeling a lot better.

 I recently decided to get back to living, since I realized that I was either going to do that, or grief would destroy me. So I started looking at the future. Planning things again, doing my taxes, thinking about a house, thinking about life.

 In my experience in this, letting go of certain dreams has been a struggle. It isn't fair in any way when people see their dreams shattered, whatever they may be. After a while I noticed I'd been clutching to the tattered remains of them, not sure why; maybe for security, maybe for no reason at all.

 I've seen that anger is like that too. I thought I was doing better with it, but it comes and goes. I think it will take some time to move past it, but I'm working through that as well. Luckily, the kids keep me busy enough I don't get much of a chance to dwell on it.

 I guess the biggest thing I realized was I needed to start actually moving forward. I will never forget, but I need to let myself live.

 So the first thing I decided, was that I'd make it a point to post mainly over here, since, like it or not, the story I can write now is of me and the kids. So, I'll make it the best I can.